Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is Friday, December 13th. I can't tell you how relieved I am that Christmas isn't on Friday the 13th this year.

   keep the conversation on my post going,but be sure I'll be deleting it when ts on the climax

   Thinking of the best status to post and nothing funny comes to mind so just pretend this is the funniest status you've read today. - Management

   Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people's funerals.

   when did we replace the word “said” with “was like”

   your reputation in high school doesn't matter once you graduate anyways so why spend 4 years trying to impress people you'll never see again

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before

   I can remember when he was just Lieutenant Tso...when nobody respected his meat..

   Don't get mad... get weed.

   You know it's over when you start closing the door again when you pee

   I'm at my wife's company Christmas party and there is like zero pus sy here. I hate Christmas.

   Just because it's Friday the 13th doesn't mean anything, my luck sucks everyday so really today is no different.

   I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."

   The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.

   You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.

   Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

   I don't want to have any cold that I didn't even get to have sex to catch.

   When I say I'm off the market, I mean I was recalled.

   Kanye West said he's the next Nelson Mandela, so when are they gonna bury him?

   Forgive me father, for I like sin.