Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

   Everybody is a victim in their own eyes...

   All shoes are technically buy one get one free...

   Just because I'm a woman DOES NOT mean I can't have dead hookers in my trunk too.

   Unless your Christmas tree is electrocuting you, keep photos of that stupid sh*t to yourself.

   It takes me about 5 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   Today, I'm really gonna give it my nothing

   Go to the gym, else instagram will run out of business

   Hmmm....my wife just left the house in a big hurry with her winged monkeys in hot pursuit. Someone is in trouble

   Oops I almost forgot its sunday today, thanks facebook friends for reminding me with your religious posts.

   how are OCD ppl made? a German person gets with a British person to make a baby so the baby is "Germish"

   Don't make me laugh it will come out my nose

   "You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet." - If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

   Chris Matthews wants to know if getting your head removed from Obama's a ss is covered under Obamacare

   Happy Hoildays Schmolidays. Merry Christmas Schmistmas. I lean towards the Christmas greeting, but I gotta be honest with myself. I don't care. I'm mainly in it for the food.

   Ask your doctor if it’s the right OCD medication for you... Then ask him 3 more times, knock on the wall twice and ensure the door is locked.

   I'm pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday..... I should probably "unblock" them and check.

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   It’s the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. Expecting any minute that Whitehouse will mark the event by tweeting a pic of Obama on vacation in Hawaii.

   Kanye West is busy editing Nelson Mandela's Wikipedia page so it features his picture.