Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bartender can beat up your psychiatrist, now pop a pill while I have a drink!

   I once won an argument with a woman. This was my only consolation considering after she won the divorce settlement.

   It would be so much more ''festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season

   Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.

   I always try to see my relatives with love and affection during the Holidays. When I can't I try to see if there is more Bourbon available.

   Just finished shoveling 6 inches of snow off my lawn. Then I mowed it.

   Justin Bieber wants to take Paul Walkers place in the new Fast and Furious film. Why doesn't he take his place in the car accident instead?

   He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.

   Great just great...my wife left the seat warmer on in the car now I have to walk around with swamp butt

   Just throwing this out there... Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty as the new Terminator.... the Siborg

   I need a hug and a beer, this climate stuff is stressing me!

   Climate/Climax same difference, both involve changes in temperature.

   I think I'm going to save my good stuff for the after hours crowd, it's Getting Hot In Here!

   ..... Al Gore keeps insisting that dropping global temperatures, out of season and record breaking snowfall around the globe are strong symptoms of global warming. My question to him is ..... Then ...... What would the symptoms of Global Cooling be?

   This climate change stuff is so hilarious...

   Get an education. Global warming/climate change is indicated by extremes. Unusual, extrem heat waves, droughts, hurricane season, sunamus, tornadoes, cold weather systems, blizzards, etc.

   My wife is the most irrational person I've ever met. Well, technically, she's tied for first with every other woman I've met...

   Teachers: Remember, you can't hit the kids but you can still hit the bottle.

   Walk in the club like whaddup I got a... Oh no, Oh God wrong building. I'm so sorry. Continue with your funeral. God bless

   It's scary how your life is based on how well you do as a teenager