Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment" Kathy.

   I bet Mary and Joseph were like "Gee thanks little drummer boy. Cause the one thing every sleep deprived parent wants for their newborn is a drum solo!"

   According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

   Tip Of The Day # 12232013 (for novice surgeon doctors ) " The way to a man's heart is through his stomach "

   "ENGAGEMENT is when a man promises to marry a woman in a few months NOT when a man gives a woman a ring for 5 years, that is WITCHCRAFT!!!"

   Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my water bottle on it. I'm currently waiting on further instructions.

   There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.

   A mans apology after he argues with his woman is "you want something from the store?" or " are you hungry?"

   new way for a woman to get even with her ex....take his credit card & go on a shopping spree at target

   "Drinky poos"- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. "Drinky poos"-What a man has the morning after a night of drinking!!

   you have 1 more see whats left,been damaged, left for dead, returned already what the heck is that? shopping day left!

   I bought one of those cloned (stolen form Target) credit cards on the black market and as luck would have it, I ended up buying my own.

   Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did. You know why? I used my credit card at Target.

   Scoopable kitty litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever.

   I test drove a BMW and much to my surprise,,, ALL the blinkers worked!................ Explain that,, All you owners

   Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.

   There will soon come a time were I can not voice my OPINION by saying,"I HATE vile Brussels Sprouts!!" For fear of offending Farmers and the general population. So consider yourselves informed.

   I'm not a reIigious person, I dont believe in a god, but that wont stop me from wishing you all a MERRY CHRlSTMAS!!!

   I'm so glad to be done with my running around town for the day, and away from the crowded bumping, pushing, honking, cussing, yelling holiday spirit during this most wonderful time of the year.