Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The quickest way to a woman's heart, is through her rib cage.

   If Macaulay culkin in home alone would've tried or said half the stuff to his parents in my house that movie would've never aired

   Engage your brain before touch the keyboard

   It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.

   The cost of living has gone up so high that the chance of living it up- especially during the holidays- has gone way down.

   Do anti- Christian bashers use the internet slang "WTF"?

   So what are you going to do with the $2500 you are going to save on insurance due to Obamacare?

   i am the guy in the middle in the kmart joe boxer ad!

   I just found out Obama has been lying this whole time.......now..… I … I just … my whole life has been a lie.

   Tex Mex...the same 3 primary ingredients folded 100 different ways. Like eating laundry with tomatoes, cheese, and cumin layered in.

   I just found out that eating spinach doesn't make you stronger.......now..… I … I just … my whole life has been a lie.

   I just found out that doves don’t even have tear ducts. Now … I … I just … my whole life has been a lie.

   Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   I drunken three way is all fun and games until you sober up only to fine you just did two ugly ones.

   slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.

   If a woman eva pulls a knife on you during an argument,pull out some bread,cheese &mayo.Her instincts will kick in &she'll make you a sandwich.

   Did that Australian man say Meteorite or mate are you alright

   What's the appropriate reply when your ex calls you and says a bunch of sh*t you didn't really listen to?

   From me you are getting A) gift card, B) nothing, C) disappointment or D) combination of A,B,C.