Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The voices in my head are telling me things even I wouldn't post.

   Oh god please let next year be a better year and let it bring hopefully an end to Obama's drone strikes killing innocent people.

   The Duck Dynasty guys need to to look in their beards, I'm sure there's a few ducks in them...

   Craziest superstition I ever heard - whatever you doing when the New Years come, that's gonna what you do for the rest of the year! So does anyone wanna go drinking with me on New Years?

   Daughter: Momma, can a woman get pregnant from an@l s3x? Mother: Sure Honey. Where do you think politicians come from?

   How long does it take for Auburn to beat Alabama? 1 second

   Does anyone have like ten thousand dollars they don't want

   I cant wait till the "Holiday season" at work is over so I can find a new reason not to do anything around the house

   There was a time when the word "Gay" meant happy and the rainbow was a meteorological phenomenom, now both represents boy who likes another boy.........smh

   Don’t flatter yourself. I'm not attracted to you, this vodka I am drinking is.

   Dear coffee, I want you inside of me

   All I want for Christmas is you... Just kidding I want Money

   I wish boobs did the bra thing without having to wear the bra

   I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise

   The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' I said 'Me neither doc,' ......'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

   Most of my relationships have been long distance on account of all of the restraining orders.

   I once watched an episode of Duck Dynasty. I can't tell you how upset I was that it wasn't a documentary on Huey, Duey, and Louie.

   I wonder how many awkward first dates Instagram filters have caused.

   I slipped on black ice today, it's like regular ice but it steals your wallet afterwards

   I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me 'Will you be putting it up yourself?' I told him, 'No, you sicko, it's going in the living room!'