Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe Walmart already has Valentine's Day stuff out. which reminds me.. I need to lose my girlfriend soon

   Hmm, very untrusting of the old white van parked at the play ground with the handwritten cardboard sign saying "free candy inside"... sending one of my kids to check it out...

   I don't want to rescue pets, farm, pop bubbles, or crush candy...

   Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.

   Oh, I would love to stay for your yoga class....but, I think I would rather floss with barbwire or give myself a tattoo.

   Some people hope their search for happiness ends in love and fulfillment, I just hope mine ends in minimal bloodshed and no felony charges.

   my tooth is pounding like crazy! wheres the tooth fairy when you need her!?

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   Can you fall in love through a rifle scope?

   You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let's do it!!

   Sometimes when I see a married couple, it appears to me like two people joined together to become one desperately boring person.

   I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car.

   “Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.

   Pop corn isn’t meant to be eaten grain by grain. Stick your hand in the box, take a handful and shove it onto your face. Live a little.

   2014. Yep, nothing's changed. The good people are still good. The bad people are still bad. The smart people are still smart. The slow people are still slow...and the assh0les are still assh0les.

   If you ever jammed to Unskinny Bop, you really can't complain about todays music...

   I don't know if this makes me a homophobe or not, but from a guy's perspective, I much prefer the hole to be situated in front.

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   vacuuming my sheets, which is a fairly clear sign that I need to stop eating in bed.

   Studies show that 36% of people rushed to the hospital die on their way. Such a coincidence seeing that 36% of ambulance drivers are women.