Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.

   It's sofa king cold today!!

   there's a method to my madness.. just a madman with no method..

   You can judge me, but you can't change me.

   The thermometer on my cars says, "FU_____CK YOU!"

   My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!

   She likes it when you call/text her, but, not too much and not too little. And, she won't tell you how much or little and it changes constantly. Good luck!!

   Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.

   Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.

   Whenever I think of you, I touch myself. That is, I rub my forehead because you give me a f**king migraine.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body....

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   This Polar Vortex sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

   I'm single by choice...Not my choice, but it's still a choice.

   Some people's Twitter and Facebook updates are like a china shop filled with wrestlers battling over all its contents; you can find nothing worthwhile to read yet. Please learn something before updating and making fun of yourself.

   We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days. It’s almost like he’s given us up, and let us down.

   If your significant other wont swallow the milk left over in a bowl of cereal, chances are that's not all they won't swallow.

   Too many critics with no credentials.

   Drivers are being told to stay off the roads. Lucky for me, I am in a ditch

   I don't understand how girls could be so in love with a guy one week and the next not even talk to him for no apparent reason