Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Fox News, but for some reason I can't figure out why Obama would shut down a bridge?

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman

   Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.

   It's not my fault I'm dyslexic, it's in my NDA.

   "In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish." - R. Kelly

   With the way the humam species treats each other, can we blame God for being vengeful?

   Ladies; Ke$ha has a perfume out…in case any of you want to smell like vodka soaked glitter, and crippling regret.

   Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   I'm only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.

   People without profile pictures are terrorists.

   Fellas; A girl without a hobby is a girl who will make a hobby of destroying your life.

   I knew our relationship was destined for failure when I couldn't fit her in my trunk

   You call it the love of your life, I call it a bottle of liquor.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   You can make my whole day just by not being part of it ..

   I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids

   Anyone that starts a sentenct with "Not to brag but" is about to brag.