Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Animals that walk on two legs like humans should wear underwear.

   why the hell are toilets so loud in the middle of the night waking everybody in the damn house?

   I formally apologize to anyone who knew me way back when I was a teenager.

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   Keep your feelings away from me.

   If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.

   'Words can't even describe how much I love you' - Someone who just used words to describe how much they love you

   If you rim your margarita glass with pink Himalayan Salt it becomes health food right?

   The question about why something is news, needs to go away. Its a ridiculous and useless question.

   If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you idiot.

   The police are searching Justin Bieber's house for eggs. "Take your time." said every rapist and murderer.

   Forget having a gun or a knife. If you want to rob me, just threaten to throw glitter on my clothes.

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   Stop telling people you got that scar in a bar fight when you know darn well it's from being circumcised.

   What idiot named it a herd of elephants and not a stamp collection?

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.