Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a lyrical gangster. Or I've had too many margaritas.

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   hey look at you with your beady little eyes that are way too close together *BLOCKED*

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

   When you're dead, it's really, really, easy for you.....I mean you don't know,,,,it's just hard on others...same thing when you're stupid....

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

   Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket. It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   I'm not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids.

   Governor Chris Christie ran his pie hole for 2 hours, that explains the warmer weather!

   Fog is just depressed clouds. Come on fog, get up there and be somebody!

   There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.

   Three Basic Rules of Plumbing: Hot goes on the left, cold goes on the right and $h!t doesn't flow uphill.