Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shall only address vegan lesbians as "salad fingers"from now on.

   If I ever decide I do not want to get on facebook I'm not going to delete my account.. What I will do is see if I can get all my friends and family to delete and block me before facebook deletes my account for me

   Back in the day when I was attracted to a girl I never had enough guts to ask her out. Now with Facebook I am suppose to be confident enough to poke her? #singleforever

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I bought and watch them over and over and not lost one lb

   The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.

   Of course J-Lo can act, she's been pretending she can sing for years now.

   The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.

   Back in the day I was attracted to this chick but never had enough guts to ask her out but after witnessing first hand the drama she creates on Facebook I am glad I dodged that bullet.

   If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned.

   I've got 66 problems and one of them is that I'm upside down

   If you Google the word 'overreacting' there's a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.

   For lunch I melted some cheese onto a plate & scooped it into my mouth with some unmelted cheese & being a grownup isn't going well so far.

   Dance like no one is watching, Fart like no one can smell it.

   I'm just here because real life won't have me.

   Pro Tip: If a girl asks you about your plans, there's a good chance she wants to be apart of them.

   You seem unstable, wanna get an apartment together?

   Still waiting for this movie sequence where the guy running for his girl at a moving train slips off and dies under the train.

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?

   It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.

   Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I've licked them seductively - what more can I do?