Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber was drunken driving in Florida? Where is George Zimmerman when you need him!

   When Rihanna first started singing she was like yee mista dj song pon de replay, now she's like f*ck me with a shovel and slap my ti%ties

   “cannot connect to network. try resetting your wireless router” umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor’s house? Should I call him?

   Why isn’t the movie ‘What Women Want’ just 90 minutes of Ryan Gosling doing an ab workout on a pile of Nutella and money?

   I’m going to Hell. Anybody want anything?

   Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was g@y

   Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Dumba$$".

   Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

   I only buy comforter sets that have white spots in the pattern

   Justin Bieber got arrested. His Blood levels showed Alcohol, Marijuana, and large amounts of Flintstones Chewable vitamins.

   i am the kind of guy that likes to turn a woman on with a sexy dance.. Dances like "The Cabbage Patch" and "The Roger Rabbit", trust me it gets them wet... Normally wet from tears because they are laughing so hard but wet is wet...

   Dear Mother Nature: Get off the Vortex aleready.

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   I went to the doctor for $hits and giggles because I'm pretty sure those two things arent suppose to happen at the same time.

   There once was a man from Salem. Who liked to break wind and inhale them... Then he'd burp with delight, a despicable sight. But you wouldn't need a blood hound to trail him...

   If your manhood has become a bit green, floppy and scaly. you could be suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

   Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can't believe they haven't paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.

   A woman spits out 30,000 words a night, gets mad that you don't remember words 21,191 - 21,198.

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   beer I'm fine...wine I'm blind!