Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points

   I just put my left hand in the friend zone

   Time is running out for me to discover the meaning of life

   How does a woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months, go through all the pain, hold it in her arms, and end up calling it laquisha

   If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.

   Depression usually creeps in at the end of the football season, but this year I'll keep myself happy by viewing the highlights of Peyton Manning expressions!

   This Year I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex...... Box One

   After appearing in a commercial during the Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort."

   She had me when she changed her relationship status to: DTF

   I wondered where all the herion went.

   Again with these egomaniacs, america is the entire continent, not just a country you morons, now get back on your overworked, underpaid never ending rat race to bring up the downjones so just 1% of the population gets wealthy while FOX says the opposite

   "You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.

   Accidently sent a naked pic to everyone in my address book. Cost me a fortune in postage!

   I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.

   I am woman, hear me Blah, Blah, Blah.

   Women who say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history.

   My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.

   AUTOCORRECT, but for making boring jokes funny.

   The excitement of getting to the office first and wondering how many things I can rub my balls on before someone else gets here. That.

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.