Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I made a knock off Mcy D's Chicken ranch snack wrap. I threw it together in a hurry, used the nastiest lettce I could find, threw 1/2 of my chickn tender away, & then I closed my eyes & pickd a random condiment out of the fridge. Just like the real thing.

   Nothing says I'm the boss while driving like the horn in a foreign car.

   Actually, when I asked if my hangover could get any worse, it was more of a rhetorical question than a challenge

   Just farted myself out of a dead nap, so yeah, you could say I've got sexual dynamo on lockdown!

   No more cigarettes at CVS. Sorry, smokers. Still shelves and shelves of candy though. Chin up, diabetics.

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   A skeleton walks into a bar.He ordered a beer & a mop.

   How the heck are eggs full of cholesterol but chickens aren't?

   I just watched the "Times for the Seasons" video, glamour sexy hot chicks from the 60s, the realized they're now either past 80 or dead. ENJOY LIFE GUYS! its over soon

   My FB movie is just 10 years of life kicking my in the balls...

   The Olympics start tomorrow...or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal

   I hate it when men tell me what to do unless it's DJs in songs then I'm like yes sir dropping it now

   phillip seymour hoffman had a better super bowl sunday than the broncos

   So boxing was Zimmerman's hobby? Yet he let some teenager who was 15 or whatever years younger than him maul him to the point where he screamed like a little girl and had to shoot him? Ok.

   Slipped on a banana peel and fate caught me

   Don't want to say I had a crazy year but Rob Zombie is asking for the rights to direct my Facebook movie.

   Those mattress commercials with the people fake sleeping without covers would be more believable with a lonely housewife getting jack hammered by the pool boy.

   Tried to do my facebook movie and just got a message telling me it had been nominated for a Razzie Award.

   Why is it that everytime there is a snowstorm, New Yorkers act like it's the worst storm ever? It's been snowing and storming for millions of years. Get over it. We deal with it all the time up here!

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat, then I remember they just feed off attention.