Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

   God did NOT create man! Man CREATED God! #TRUTH

   Jesus is the adult version of Santa Claus. #TRUTH

   My EX GF asked me if we could talk about my internet addiction problem. I told her... "Not right now baby I am downloading P0RN!"

   JESUS OWES ME MONEY... for the drugs he failed to deliver.

   If I used to flirt with you everyday and then I suddenly stopped, don't stress. Its not because I no longer find you hot and attractive. It's probably because I received a death threat from your husband.

   Can you and Jesus do us all a favour and go find a room.

   I LOVE THE DARK SIDE. They have cookies.

   I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".

   When I was born God gave me two choices, I could either be good in bed or have a great memory..Sh !t I forgot what I was going to tell you.

   I LOVE JESUS!

   Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.

   I wont be alone on valentines day....I'll be spending it with 127.0.0.1

   A 15 year-old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.

   Never ignore coincidence. Unless, of course, you’re busy. In which case, always ignore coincidence

   Stupid kidney stones ! I was just rubbing one out and shot the cat.

   If you can't do this job drunk, ..... get out of the business !

   And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger(anchor man roast)

   Shirley Temple died today. I just wish there was something I could drink to honor her.

   "There must be a very short line for your job."