Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep calm and pretend it never happened.

   I knew my girlfriend was getting fat once she started fitting into my wife's clothes.

   Don't you mean it's Jay's finale, finale Tonight Show NBC?

   Michael J. Fox show canceled. I knew from the beginning it was a little shakey

   If you have an iPhone ask Siri what's today's holiday lmfao

   Saw a girl driving while talking on her cell phone. Made me so mad I almost threw my beer at her

   Went for a swim b*tch'ed slaped a whale, handcuffed lighting threw thunders @$$ in jail

   Can you believe it?? A cop just pulled me over for texting!! I let him off with a warning.

   been here for some time now and agree, funny guy needs to go engineer some you know whats

   I Can't Believe It Is And Is Not Schrödinger's Butter

   we need funny material not people who think they are funny

   I think I'm going to take my christmas tree down today.

   Too many snakes and not enough ladders these days

   Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.

   CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, "It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health." I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Cir

   Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.

   The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.

   My Facebook movie got a X rating...apparently Face Book is way more into my X then ME!

   How long does someone have to be in a coma before you can eat their fries?

   Sorry that changing your hairstyle dramatically didn't fix your life