Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are getting a divorce. I guess what rhymes with hug me is alimony

   That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever

   Xbox has been my girlfriend for awhile, I think it's time we see other people...

   Oh Canada...Our Bars open at 6 AM!!!!

   Technically, there is a lot of food in this house. However, none of it is sweet or microwavable. There isn't food in the house.

   I love You Tube. You can look up everthing. It's Google the Movie musical

   Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.

   Some woman just sent this to me: XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO' I was confused by the apostrophe, but then it dawned on me. It must mean she's possessive.

   Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren't in our best interest?

   I've started this new bacon free diet today. So if the bacon is free, I'll eat it

   I'm "talking in your voicemail as if you could hear it like an answering machine" years old.

   I wish that Toyota girl would go places.

   Brooklyn signs openly gay Collins to NBA contract. Maybe he'll play in Fish(Nets)!

   If the devil can't defeat me, cancer doesn't stand a chance in hell

   A MILF is a sexy ass mum over 35. If you're 18, you're just an idiot with a baby.

   I saw my ex earlier and realized how much I missed her. Had to go back round the roundabout and run her over on the second attempt.

   If you're happy and you know it, slap her ass.

   If you didn't want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.

   How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?

   There should be a ride or die carpool lane for serious travelers.