Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that's when I hired my first hooker.

   He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.

   I've had plenty of money throughout my life that I could have become an alcoholic. but I choose to invested in agriculture by smoking Marijuana. . .

   My girlfriend likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She inevitably gets what she wants! This, my friends, is what's known as a booby trap!

   Peyton Manning: "OMAHA! OMAHA!....Aaron Hernandez: "ATTICA! ATTICA!

   This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!

   There was a fire at the clock factory today. Several people died from second hand smoke.

   I'll throw my hands in the air, but when it comes to waving them around, don't expect me not to care.

   Some call it love, I call it vodka.

   I don't care what friend facebook suggests. I'm not poking McDonald's.

   Dad, what is a silver and a bronze medal? Dad: I dunno son, we're canadians.

   I am so proud of my gun, I left it alone and it did not kill anyone

   In a sad announcement yesterday afternoon, we found that comedy legend Harold Ramis passed away. Even sadder, we found that Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are alive and well...

   I bet at least half the guys who get struck by lightning's last thoughts were, "Holy Crap, am I a Highlander?"

   I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.

   Vacation to Hawaii? Meh. Paris? No thanks. Venice? I'll pass. Back in time to being 7 years old on a Saturday? YES, PLEASE!!

   "No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last time! It's my turn!" said no one ever

   I crossbred a squirrel with a spider. It craws up your leg and eats your nuts.

   I like my coffee how I like myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   I wonder if the lady that takes your drivers license picture at the DMV takes selfies when no one is watching...