Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s all fun & games until feelings & emotions get involved then it becomes life.

   Buy her a time machine, because women love bringing up the past.

   When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.

   There are 2 types of people. Ones I like and everyone else.

   Of course you're sorry, you got caught.

   You've just got to assume that Kanye makes Kim wear mirrored sunglasses during the sex.

   The only benefit to getting up early is being the a$$hole who tells everyone how early he got up.

   Men that make their women laugh get lots of sex - Science

   If Spiderman ever had to fight Black Widow, who would win?

   What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, His name is BeeR

   What sense of getting parrot and not teaching it to say. Hello, it's me Jimmy Hoffa, I was turned into a parrot send help...

   Why buy sex when you can lease it in a relationship. . .

   If you're fighting for bum sex, you probably can't even spell the name a disease or bad microbe.

   If you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then that information might of come from the same person that was in that REO Speedwagon song.

   Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you're on a diet.

   Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you've lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.

   Excuse me dear, but don't you have a date with a coma?

   Sleep with me so I can put my freezing feet on you and probably take all of the covers and use you as a pillow. - WOMEN

   If a woman doesn't a have a fb profile pic...better you should spend 6 hours with your face buried in Governor Christie's a$$, than a half hour with her on a dinner date.