Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....

   Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.

   My friend came over today and left his new laptop on the damn floor. My dad not knowing how old fashion he is thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My dad weighs 980.34$ dollars.

   X Tonight marks the 86th Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   I want to become a social media terrorist and take down facebook, myspace, twitter, and instagram. 95% of the people in this country would be in shambles and actually have to interact with real people again...

   And the Oscar goes to Cheek implants and Botox...

   I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a "Best Nip Slip" category... or "Best Back Burger."

   That was Samuel Jackson's first ever public appearance without saying "mother$ucker"

   Did Jesus Christ just win 'Best Supporting Actor' at the Academy Awards?

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!

   In case anyone was wondering.....I'm wearing Hanes by Target, and a black t-shirt by BC Cotton (with a bacon grease stain on it) #redcarpet

   Jesus: The Truth and Way...Cheeses: The Curds and Whey.

   It's Monday. I'm refreshed and ready to hate my Job

   What do you call a blond wearing a brunette wig? Artificial Intelligence.

   it never ceases toamqze me. You see someone who is friends with you on FB and they act like they dont even know you. Consider yourself un-friended Eminem.

   I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"

   I wonder if Sarah Jessica Parker auditioned for the lead role in "War Horse"?

   I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.

   Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.

   There hasn't been anything fûnný here since before al gore was born and the internet was 2 typewriters connected by string.