Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.

   Long Distance Relationships Are For Fat People

   Couples who wear matching clothes should be stabbed with matching knives.

   Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. ;)

   Job interviewers like an applicant with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?

   I'm giving up sex with my husband for lent.

   "Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line.

   She's not a slut, you guys... She just doesn't want anyone to feel left out.

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   A real gentleman helps a woman find her panties.

   The drunker I get, the more I loves y'all .

   America invades a country and everyone starts flipping out, Russia invades Ukraine and no one says a word.

   I have white friends, but not " Excuse me Sir. You dropped your wallet." white friends.

   I have been drinking a lot of wine and crying a lot lately and I blame my feminine side for this.

   When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then sell it and use the profits to by a gun. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

   Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money

   For lent I'm giving up sex, wait I'm not catholic. Whoa, that was close

   I'm beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.

   Why do people insist on riding your front bumper going to work? Yeah, like they are going to get to where they're going any faster....

   I gave up organized religion for lent a long time ago...