Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must have a great butt because every time I walk away from my coworkers I always hear 'What an ass'

   I just realized something. Rosie O'Donnell reminds me of a circus bear in a pantsuit.

   That 1/4 mile of blindness, before the defrost kicks in...

   Dear Paycheck...I only see you on Fridays...I really wish you would stick around at least through the weekend....

   A couple in their 80's decided to date. The woman asked the man right off the bat about sex. "What about sex....how often do you expect to have sex?" The man said, "In-frequently." She goes, "Is that one word, or two?"

   If I had a dollar for everytime my sexuality has been questioned, I could buy a BAD AZZ HARLEY, and a super cute pair of riding boots.

   Pandora just suggested that I listen to a preview of Nick Cannon's new album and technology has never made me this angry before.

   Unless you're Roy bloody Rogers, or a Texas oil tycoon, I don't want to see anyone in a GaDern bolo tie

   Look, all I'm saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".

   So would the ACLU defend me if I protested and burned down ACLU headquarters?

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts I'm grabbing a big hammer and running straight to the graveyard to play the most awesome game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   You're getting a cow? Maybe you mean a Muu Muu.

   I don't need pants that fit at the waist anymore. I'm getting a Moo Moo.

   The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.

   Its 2014, I shouldnt have to rip open my tampon wrapper with my teeth.

   I like pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

   Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.

   It's throw back Thursday (chugs a beer).

   The difference between what you say and who you are is what you do.

   Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but,, I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.