Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   I'm just here for the friend zones.

   Not now life... come back when I'm drunk.

   Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there.

   a girlfriend someone I'm supposed to like or not? I forget how this works.

   He said: "I have this certain animal magnatism about me." She said: "Yes, you do tend to attract animals."

   Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times. I found a prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.

   I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person.

   If you're ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful French fry

   I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you.

   Fort Hood suffers tradegy again. Perhaps they should change it to Fort Suburbs.

   World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

   I'm not calling it....but I don't think Sir Mix-a-lot is really a knight.

   I am pretty excited for the newest season of "The Weather Radio" starring Steven Hawking

   I'm bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....

   Never trust a girl on a Nutella jar.

   My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.

   If anyone knows of anyone who sells mass amounts of weed let me know.. The cops want to speak with them