Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"

   Let's get naked and stay that way for a day. Or three.

   If you're happy and you know it, leave your wife.

   Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.

   I heard the black box was found. Oprah spread her legs for Dr. Phil.

   If v-a-g-i-n-a-s weren't meant to be kissed, they wouldn't have lips.

   If your woman is always reminding you of how other many guys want her and you are lucky she is still with you, dump that ho. Let those wolves have her.

   If you have a mustache always keep it neat, I don't want to see anything hanging over your lips

   There is more strippers in Detroit then normal people.

   If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.

   Good grief...dont just sit there with a stupid look on your face like Stephen Hawking...say something!

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   *Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"

   When life hands you pig hooves and horse gums, make hot dogs.

   “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends." Lincoln. It means, in order to turn your enemies into friends, you have to become President.

   Burger King ripped off McD's with the Big King. Now they are ripping off Wataburger with the Twataburger.... it is a fish sandwich.

   Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   You are the birthday card with no money in it of people.

   Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

   You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.