Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger

   I wish everyone a happy new year, and hope you all have a great 1982. With love, from everyone here at the alzheimers society.

   My heart says yes but my wife says no!

   Well I thought about texting you first and it’s the thought that counts

   Pro Tip: If you serve meth at a party, you don't have to buy food. Serving pot on the other hand has the opposite effect.

   When Obama became POTUS, I had nothing. 6 years later, I still have most of it....

   Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.

   When I notice a stranger eavesdropping on my conversation I get really excited because for once someone other than my beer can is listening!

   When I see a drink written “non-alcoholic”, it makes me feel very violent.

   Easter is coming up soon. the parents with multiple kids are kinda lucky......you'll have more than 1 chocolate bunny in the refrigerator & we know they like to reproduce.....never-ending supply of chocolate

   Compassion is the basis of morality.

   New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   "Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."

   What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but can't taste it.

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..

   sitting here laughing while putting marijuana seeds in a bird feeder

   I've just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself

   You know it was a fun night when you wake up the next day with a priest above you shouting "The power of Christ compells you."

   Some crazy mofo in face paint and arm bands just crashed through the Pearly Gates and power-slammed St. Peter. Badass!