Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently Vladamir Putin did not watch Rocky IV.

   So when I pump gas, has my truck pumped all the other vehicles that this nozzle has pumped?

   My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bull$hit. It’s our sixth season together.

   Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.

   I swear I am tired of Hearing SOME Females be like: I am mixed with Black, Dominican, White and Indian. Shut your Ass up you are sounding like a damn science experiment to me.

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.

   There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.

   Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.

   Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.

   A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

   Women who believe 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach' is why divorce lawyers are so rich.

   I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I'm not a good liar.

   A selfie a day keeps the daddy issues at bay

   Don't forget to tell someone you miss them just because you're horny today

   I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.

   Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you break the monotony.