Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   Dinosaurs deserved it.

   How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

   knock knock.. who's there? Daisy. Daisy who?? Daisy me rollin, they hatin

   Easter this Sunday....The one day where I can say "I am putting all my EGGS in one basket!

   Question of the day: If somebody threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would be considered stoned of your a$$?

   Why can't my coworkers just play on their phones like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.

   Maybe Dog the Bounty Hunter should stop bleaching his mullet so dudes can't see him coming a mile away

   Eating 4 cans of alphabet soup will give you a giant vowel movement.

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   I thought my mom forgot about Dre until she showed up at the beach wearing nuthin but a g-strang.

   I let a girl go through my phone recently, but then I threw her in my trunk.

   Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

   Ladies; Make sure you "got it" before you "flaunt it."

   If the baby mama can claim a child on their taxes and get money why can't I claim my child support payments?

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   Today's Pet Peeve: Overachieving seat belts.

   Anyone want to hang out tonight? Miley ruined my plans...

   I wonder if cat parents are telling their kittens about the good old days, when they could sleep on top of the TV.