Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if anyone at the snack food companies who label their products, "Cheddar Cheese" flavored, have actually ever tasted cheddar cheese.

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   if a tow truck hauls an RV, does that make the tow guy a "home-wrecker"?

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.

   When one door closes…I am like, "Dammit! I locked my f cuking keys inside"

   Lies I'll never stop telling my boss: No you're not bothering me Yes I'll meet the deadline Facebook? Never heard of it!

   There's a HUGE difference between sarcastic and sardonic. I'd call you intellectually challenged but I'm fresh out of euphemisms.

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   RESEARCH: Tin foil hat club. Too much time on hands club. Lives in parents basement club.

   RESEARCH: Bilderberg, Bohemian Grove, Club of Rome, Committee of 300, Skull and Bones Society, HAARP, Chemtrails, Project Bluebeam, Georgia Guidestones

   It's a little difficult to fully immerse yourself in a band called "I hate myself" when hmv is blasting pharrels "happy" over the sound system.

   We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*