Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He died doing what he loved, not replying to my texts.

   I'm sorry I accurately called you a slut

   A little choking never killed nobody

   Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men.

   Loneliness is holding paper warm from the printer close because it's what you remember hugs felt like.

   Element: Women Discoverer: Adam, 4000BC Symbol: eye roll Boiling Point: Inconsistent Atomic Mass: WTF DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS?!

   The spice girls were right...f cuk the police

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.

   A new game show for parents with newly born babies: So You Think You Can Sleep.

   Until you actually do go after all religions equally, spare me the hipper than thou crap.

   Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.

   my girlfriend is such a prude she doesn't even like 3 way calling

   God: What are they doing? Satan: Getting drunk. I made alcohol. God: *slams fist on table* That looks like too much fun! *creates hangovers*

   Dating progression Me at 16: She's ugly. Me at 21: She's alright. Me at 30: I'd hit that. Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.

   I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible

   My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.

   Married people die longer.

   eHarmony just matched me with a gloryhole at a truck stop outside of Billings, Montana. I think this may be the one, guys.

   Sorry that after your wife said "I do" at your wedding I shouted out "BUTT STUFF"

   Some girls should drink alone so they don’t get pregnant, again.