Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.

   Married people die longer.

   eHarmony just matched me with a gloryhole at a truck stop outside of Billings, Montana. I think this may be the one, guys.

   Sorry that after your wife said "I do" at your wedding I shouted out "BUTT STUFF"

   Some girls should drink alone so they don’t get pregnant, again.

   He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.

   So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?

   How to tell if your wife/girlfriend will overreact: Is she a girl?

   Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!

   Wife: Silent Me: What's wrong? Wife: Nothing Me: Grabs shield and sword

   A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

   If your face doesn't look like a glazed donut ..your doing it wrong.

   Keyboard worshippers are at it again this sunday morning.

   I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.

   what do you call a nun with alzheimers?? a roamin catholic.

   Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports

   If the Lord is always with me, that dude's sat through a lot of jacking off.

   For the first time in NBA finals history, there was 3 game 7s. Even more fascinating is that Donald Sterling cant attend any of them!

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

   I must not be real stupid, television has not made me famous yet!