Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college

   So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.

   When someone calls you to tell you they’re coming over to your house and you lie you’re not home because you don’t want to wear pants.

   I never hit on women with profile pics that are tilted. If she's too lazy to rotate her pics once what makes you think she'll ever want to be on top?

   If I was religious I'd probably just argue with God a lot.

   Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.

   When I'm a billionaire, I will use cats instead of toilet paper.

   I don't care for how many years human beings have been following a certain routine, custom or culture, if it doesn't make sense to me imma still gonna question it.

   So who was this Maya Angelou? Was she the one that wouldn't give up her seat on the bus?

   I ordered a pizza for dinner. The pizza guy says "Do you want it cut into 6 slices or 8 slices?" I said "Better make it 6. I don't think I can eat 8."

   The reason women always get cold is because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to store up any heat.

   How to avoid getting the short end of the stick? Just stop sharing sticks! There are enough sticks out there that you can have your own.

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

   Smartphones are pacifiers for adults. Like give him a smartphone maybe he will shut the hell up.

   Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.

   If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn't for you.

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

   I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"