Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm time zone intolerant...

   Irony: The Vatican owns enough treasures that could end world poverty. Twice.

   Too bad NY was wasted on New Yorkers

   So, the AC went out in game 1 of the NBA Finals. Spurs won. I guess The Heat couldn't take the heat.

   Canadian bacon is just bacon with good healthcare and a strong sense of national pride.

   What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire?

   Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But keep your bacon far away from me or I will eat it. This is your last warning.

   I woke up and I couldn't walk at 1st so I thought I had really bad cramps but then I realized I was just Lebroning!

   I'm wondering what we can trade Obama for ???

   My safe word is "more".

   LeBron James needs to sign with a WNBA team where its okay to puss out of a game because of cramps.

   The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do a dramatic removal

   Why can't Stevie wonder see his friends?... Cause he's married!!

   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster!

   Multi billion dollar nba can't fix the damm AC in time for the finals.....serious!

   There are two things I cannot stand: Racism and Justin Bieber.

   According to the study that I never have done, alcohol consumption by stay at home Mom's goes up 500% when school gets let out for the summer.

   I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.

   Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.