Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meanwhile in a Galaxy Far, Far Away... I meant a Soundstage in London, Harrison Ford's Ankle is broken by the hydraulics that control a door in the making of the next Star Wars movie.

   Rest assured no grass got cut today.

   Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

   I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs

   3 billion people with a collective IQ of 9

   Anywhere in the word that is UTC-5 or less will get a full moon on Friday, Sept. 13 2019. So the next one isn't 2049..... Just sayin...

   Wayne Gretzky's son has opened a Parmesan cheese factory and it's ranked number 1 in the world.......He will now go down in history.....forever known as, "The Grate One"......

   If you call it Starbs one more time I might just totes murds you.

   10 minutes or it's free guarantees are not always a good thing. Take ball pube trimming for example...

   Happy Triskaidekaphobia Day!!! and a full moon to add to it

   World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd go watch some of my single friends at the bar.

   I Woke up so excited this morning when I saw World Cup listed on my Tv .Imagine my dissapointment when I found out it was soccer and not quidditch.

   Friday the 13th would be a lot more frightening if Jason chased you down in a big SUV and made you pay to fill it up with gas.

   Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”

   Do you ever start writing a status and halfway through you’re just like “nah”

   Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

   Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

   Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

   A speed bump but made out of my ex.

   Yes today is the first full moon on a Friday the 13th in 14 years. The next will be October 13, 2049...blah blah blah #STFU