Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   There was a spider in my truck so I very carefully turned my hazard lights on and drove off a bridge.

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy

   if I hang bat stuff all over my "man cave", will I have a "bat man cave"? .....Alfred, get me a drink

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   why do blind people smile?

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   Explain the rise and fall of the Roman empire. Use both sides of paper if necessary.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will be far away from me with your bullsh*t.

   'Rough day. Better make it a double.' - me at the cat shelter.

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

   I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Mind if I ride in your midlife crisis?

   Kendall Jenner bought her own apartment for $1.4 million and I'm out here struggling to buy a Naked juice for $3