Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can't bakers count?

   Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

   It's like my cat is the only one who understands me....... * Cat rolls her eyes

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   No legs and he still managed to walk away from a murder charge?

   Now if we could just introduce Ebola to ISIS.......

   I have bad luck with women. I could date a paraplegics, and she will still get up and leave me.

   Who watches you calmly from afar, is the one who wants you close the most.

   "It's a boy!" I shouted as I ran away from the Thai brothel

   I'll be updating my status telepathically the rest of the day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.

   My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks"

   I tried sweeping a problem under the rug once, but her legs kept sticking out.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, and where did he get the idea?

   If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.

   You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

   I kept it gangsta...but, it was like 19% gangsta.

   My safe word is "Make sure we don't go over the hour. That's all the cash I got on me."

   "Yes your child is cute, but can he take a 'Whoopin'?" -Adrian Peterson

   I was sober for 15 straight years but on my 16th birthday I decided that I've had enough.

   Kellogg's is considering taking "Rice" Krispies off the market....realizing the snap,crackle,POP ! has gone way too far ...