Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   Went to Walmart today. They accepted me as one of their own.... *cough-cough* go on without me... Save yourselves.

   Grocery Budget Tip: If you don't buy food,, you don't need toilet paper....

   Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had been changed. I Looked at the dog.. He looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, a fat less attractive girl is.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   We Canadians are known for being polite. We're not. We just assume every American has a gun and will shoot us. That's why we're nice.

   Turned up at the golf and everyone is wearing apple bottom jeans, and boots with the fur. I'm at the Flo Ryder Cup by mistake.

   KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BOOED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK - my week keeps getting better.

   Chelsea Clinton gives birth to a daughter.......I hope Bill doesn't pass out any of his own cigars......

   For one to describe oneself as monosyllabic would be an oxymoron.

   If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.