Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.

   judging by the adds google has picked out for me I live a pretty crazy *ucking life

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.

   [walks up to a group of teens] hey guys when I was your age I was also dumb as hell

   Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude

   We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a cat in the dishwasher

   Scientists admit they don't know what Jellyfish are made of - "They don't even taste like jelly" said one piss soaked science dude.

   I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

   *runs down the street to catch up to ice cream truck* hey are you guys hiring

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of ... oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.

   Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't going to like you

   Sorry, when you said you liked rough sex I thought you meant rough as in "not good"

   What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone

   As a kid you could get excited by small stuff: findin a body, pokin it with a stick. Now you gotta poke 10 bodies with 12 sticks just to feel anythin.

   No, we do not have video of our baby's birth but we do have some very fine shots of his conception.

   Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, and Greg Hardy are collaborating on a new song with Chris Brown. It's sure to be a HIT.

   Two countries got Independence in 1947.. One reached Mars, while the other is still trying to enter India..