Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime I see someone wearing camo, I run right into them. The I apologize profusely, claiming that I "didn't see them"

   Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope. I didn't know planets had telescopes...

   Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.

   Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?

   My pet peeve is when I accidentally impregnate other guy's GF's on the 7th? No, 11th try.

   Autocorrect changes "kiss" to "kids" like its trying to remind me how I got in this mess in the first place.

   She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.

   Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.

   I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again. I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

   "Being curious is secondary, being serious is primary".

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "Never mind" "What's the problem?" "Nothing" "Please tell us?" "You KNOW what the problem is."

   love yourself first. send yourself romantic texts. take yourself out on romantic dates. hold your hand in public as a show of affection.

   I get particularly worried when cows lick themselves because we are in for some serious competition if they find out how delicious they are.

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk