Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't chase after girls... unless I have my inhaler with me.

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   Last night my son wanted me to take him to see scary monsters at a haunted house, but I needed beer. We compromised and I took him to Walmart

   it weird that I'm 37 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and possibly one cat?

   Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.

   Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

   I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I'm depressed.

   With gas prices at what 5 bucks a gallon? It's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere.

   When I squeeze a tube of 'whitening toothpaste' and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.

   I'm black, but not go Walmartin' in my robe and slippers black.

   what do michael jackson and cavier have in common? They both come on little crackers.

   Who else thinks the U.S. Marine jailed in Mexico would be getting a lot more attention from the U.S. government if he looked like Obama's son...if he had a son?

   You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.

   There have been more Taken sequels than Americans that have died from Ebola, if you wanted to know about the real epidemic.

   If something seems too good to be true... Quick, put it in your mouth.

   Fellas; You need to know that if her favorite movie is The Notebook, she will never be satisfied and happy.

   Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald's they'll think you're sharing all that food with another person.

   How come know-it-alls, don't know how annoying they are?

   I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.

   I'm starting to think none of you have résumés.