Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

   when your opponent puts up their fists to fight they expose their hips. grab them and you can slow dance for at least 2 seconds

   I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.

   Relationship status: Please? I am rich.

   My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.

   The cheapest woman is the one that costs you the most.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   Beware of popping weasels.

   maybe congress should hire Nik Wallenda to balance the budget...

   You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   I was wondering if Nik Wallenda gets ordered to walk a straight line when he gets pulled over for suspicion of drinking and driving?

   You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......

   I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

   I was just reading, 3 Steps to Repair Your Metabolism. My three steps are. Get a beer, open beer and drink said beer. . .

   It's only November 2nd and I'm already seeing Halloween decorations

   Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 7' to 10' tall.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".

   X says Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not damn a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   Daylight savings tonight.. Happy extra hour of drinking everyone!!!!

   I think I found out what commitment really is. Its not marriage, its finding a new cell phone plain to sign with...