Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look on the bright side Redskin fans...Anything is possible and maybe the Rams will trade three 1st round picks back for RGIII. ;)

   Life is great... I don't have kids, aids or ebola.

   I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s

   "Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not." - MEN

   The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat

   Math quiz! If I have 1 boss and she has 4 personalities. How much should I spend on her x-mas present ?

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   These feelings would go well with vodka.

   I can take care of my enemies.....but lord, please protect me from my friends ~ Unknown

   I have an all-black cat, I named him Cracker. I've never had an all-white cat before..

   "Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not." - WOMEN

   I'm a feminist, but not like a "wants to pay my own bills" feminist.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science

   A BJ A Day Keeps Divorce Lawyers Away

   I was born in the USA, but now I live in Absurdistan.

   Pro Tip: You can't fix stupid with duct tape, but at least you can keep it quiet for a while.

   The show "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so named because "Strippers in Training" and "Mothers with Self-esteem Issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   Only 40 days till Christmas... you know what that means? 41 days till I jump back in the dating pool!!

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.