Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the heck is almond milk? Almonds don't even have tities!

   I'll stop being creepy when you stop sending me telepathic messages that you secretly want me.

   Buffalo residents be like....Every day I'm Shovelin.....(add music here)

   I wonder what my dog named me?

   Remember when someone had posted "who cares if we don't get to see polars Bears, cuz we didn't get to see dinosaurs?" I guess mother natures cares with this winter blast!

   So did Queen Elsa put a spell on the Kingdom of Buffalo?

   Helping someone set up a Facebook account is kind of like watching someone try meth for the 1st time.

   In a BMW manual the first page says "Drive like an a$$hole" and rest is just tips on how to bring up your BMW in every conversation.

   Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.

   I'm rarely wrong, I mean mistaken.

   Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.

   Settle down Cross Fit. Settle down. I just wanna lift weights not snatch smart cars.

   The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia...

   Reports out of Buffalo are stating they are hiring fans to help shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium. Hey, Goodell Ray Rice & AP are free!

   if you're sad about being single, especially with Christmas around the corner, just remember even Charles Manson found someone to marry him. So there's hope for you yet! Have a good day everybody!!

   PRO TIP: Take the wrapper off the fortune cookie before you eat it.

   Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts.

   UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*

   Who me? Oh I'm just wondering how long it took Kim K to get all that oil off her ass