Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear nose-phobic as*holes who made fun of me when I was a kid. Over the years, I have made almost nine figures in royalties from my TV special - while YOU clowns were strapped to the hood of some dude's truck. Karma's a b*tch. Love, Rudolph

   Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!

   If YOU pick a super expensive restaurant, for YOUR birthday, and invite me... then YOU pay.

   I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"

   This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half ass jingler.

   *Day 138 of having "Take Me To Church" stuck in my head.

   I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"

   Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."

   Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?

   *pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book

   "I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat

   Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.

   In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

   "Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   I just don't know about all this "elf on shelf" crap. Long before it was popular I was "elf on a milf?, Someone stole my idea.

   Toy dinosaurs are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. Oil comes from million-year-old dinosaur remains. So toy dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs.

   All of these couples in the Hallmark Christmas movies that fall in love in a couple of days should have sequels on the Crime Network by Halloween when one of them murders the other one.

   If there are any elves on my shelves I hope they are dusting.