Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window

   Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I'm driving around the city with out car insurance" Mexican..

   "What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."

   If you or someone you know is expecting and would like me to deliver the baby, please message me the date and location please and thank you. #bucketlist

   Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I own a metro phone Mexican."

   On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.

   The best moments of my life when I was at my happiest, you will not find pictures of them on social media because I was too engrossed in the moment to think about taking a selfie of it.

   If you tell a cop "I can't breathe" he knows you're lying because if you couldn't breathe you couldn't talk.

   U were great when you stood for Freedom. now, you steal others Freedoms. Most effed up

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   All I wanted for Xmas was for the pirate bay website to come back. Is that too much to ask?

   I'm liberal but not Drive a Prius with a Coexist Bumper Sticker liberal.

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant in 2015.

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   OK, here's how it's going to be....Love me or leave me...understand? Hold on.....wait.....hey....where's everybody going??

   Side chicks get the " oh yeah, happy new year." Text message today.