Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking Grey-goose with Crystal.. at least I think that's her name.

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.

   selfies are so last year, this year it's othies

   "The food at the last supper was pretty terrible so I ordered pizza" ‪#‎BrianWilliamstories‬

   "To spare the rod is to spoil the" adult....."every adult needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.

   Light beer, apple whiskey, fat free, gluten free, lactose free...We have become a world full of p ussies.

   I'm kinda the dark, handsome type. If it's DARK, I'm handsome.

   Plus-Sized is just a politically correct term for fat.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping.... with a really angry bear near by.

   The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life". The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"

   Sorry my posts aren't up to my normal level. MY glutes keep shutting down.

   If you ask me to write something down over the phone, my "pen" is just a series of "uh"s and "got it"s.

   Sports Illustrated featuring a hot plus sized model on the cover is just as "brave" as Jenny McCarthy is a "doctor"

   Out of all the emotions, my favoritte would have to be "buzzed".

   If a girl texts you and asks if you think she is fat and you try to reply "Noooo", auto correct changes it to "Moooo" so that's pretty cool.

   Hit the gym today with my car.

   I have horns holding up my halo tonight.

   to the girl who stared me in the face as the elevator door closed: we will meet again.