Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan

   My AT&T bill suggested that I should go paperless. Less paper=better environment. I sure Hope Charmin toilet paper doesn't say that soon!

   ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   Volkswagen has gotten itself into trouble for falsifying data. Apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions.

   Avoid disappointment, always assume you mean nothing

   If you're trying to convince me that you don't have money, I better see at least one article of clothing from Walmart in your closet.

   "Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.

   I was devastated when I got a text from my "GF" telling me I was crap in bed.It's ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

   I don't know about you, but it's been a long week and I'm poped out.

   Seriously though, what color was that dress?

   Should we be surprised? Strange smelling smoke has been coming out of VW Kombi vans for years.

   I just realized how poor I really am...I just caught myselt turning dollar store ziplock bags inside out in the sink to wash them for re-use. :-(

   the Pope is in America with Obama and Hillary Clinton. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...

   You just know the aliens' cell phones are going to be nicer than ours.

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?

   My safe word is yourhusbandishome.