Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My therapist is letting me drink alcohol in my therapy session today, and by that I mean I'm drinking and watching Dr Phil.

   A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

   If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."

   For Halloween I’m handing out office supplies that I’ve stolen from work..paper clips..pencils..erasers..pens..toilet paper..hand sanitizer..Kleenex..Cigars.

   Let's refer these annoying mereeecans as south Canadians. Game set match

   I bet it was like a bad nightmare when Lamar Odom woke up, not that he was in a hospital but that hes back in the Kardashian family.....

   If you can't beat them let THEM join you, THEN beat them.

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids...but now that I'm older I prefer mine in-a-bottle!

   if you can`t beat them...get some duct tape,rope,and a tazor >:3

   Why do people always make jokes insinuating that people who use crayons are crazy? I like my crayons! Especially the blue one. It makes my poo purple

   The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required to work there, "must not pop bubbles"

   After years of observation,multiple hypothesis,well-structured analysis and deeply reviewed interpretations.I finally came to ONE CONCLUSION: I'M NOT NORMAL

   let my personalities out for a night...I woke up with two hookers, a penguin, a pineapple, five teeth missing, and a tattoo that read "I'M FREE".

   look at this, it's a stick man rubbing his butt on the ground! ________&_________

   Paul Ryan joins older siblings, Rex and Rob, in attempt to lead dozens of grown men determined to undermine him.

   eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How fcuking ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone??

   Congrats to Lamar Odom. The first guy to have cocaine and bookers actually save his marriage.

   as it turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   The reason why you don't have a hoverboard is because Marty McFly and Doc Brown screwed up the timeline with their time traveling

   Back to the future was yesterday people hello the 21st not the 22nd retards