Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My family thinks on New Years Day that Black Eyed Peas matter....Had to remind them that ALL peas matter.

   Eat a whole pizza and people say, whoa you were hungry! Eat a whole cake and people say, dude you've got a problem!

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   Okay atheists, if God doesn't exist, then explain women who like Star Wars

   You carry yourself like someone with a much higher credit rating.

   Excuse me but are these coffins gluten-free?

   I wish my wife's milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

   Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

   I'm amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I'm still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!

   Still waiting for my wife to tell me what my 2016 resolution is going to be.

   Hey New Years Rockin Eve.... WHERE"S THE ROCK????

   Last New Years I resolved to lose five pounds...I only have ten to go...

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   Relationship or hallucination? I don't care. Either way, I'm seeing somebody.

   I remember a time when I was overly optimistic about the great things that were to come in the new year. Well...here's to not stepping in dog siht while checking the mail in 2016.

   The way Donald Trump think everyone is a killer, its safe to believe he was a cat in previous life.

   Never break a person's heart. They one have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.

   This year I failed at the resolution to not procrastinate so much and I have about 11 hours and 45 minutes to make good on the rest of my 2015 resolutions!

   Although 2016 was expected, Apple has announced the coming year will only be 2015s.

   Hey 2015... Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, you Dirty Mother Fucker!!!