Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.

   I knew I had about as much of a chance of hitting a lotto last night as getting up and running this morning. That's about the 0%.

   I just checked my account balance at an ATM and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   I shared the status of the power ball winner. I won!!!!! Nothing....

   Crap, only missed the Powerball by 6 numbers.

   I hope the lottery girl pulls out my balls tonight....

   Undercover Boss: Where you tell the world your boss is a moron, then he buys you a house.

   Old expression modification Notice . : .. In addition to netflix and chill, doing Coffee and Cream ;) Has been approved That is all .

   I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. All I use it for is to signal my dealer so he doesn't drive past

   I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...

   There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.

   I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   Relationship Status: Hoping my street get plowed tomorrow.

   Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."

   I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...

   Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...

   I’m losing my hair and I have to pee every 30 minutes but I still get pimples and can jizz in 1 minute. I’ve turned into a 40 year old teenager!!

   All these smiling Alabama football fans you would think Today is Toothless people appreciation day in Alabama