Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   It's okay password, I'm insecure too...

   Antibiotics could be considered a performance enhancing drug at this year's Olympics.

   Hillary Clinton should be the first f-president. I was going to say female but somebody deleted the 'emale'.

   Trump and Hillary are on the same plane. Plane crashes, who survives? America

   Everyone says they're going to move to Canada if their candidate doesn't win, what the hell is wrong with Mexico?

   Please disregard my one Sharpie eyebrow. There was a gray hair incident I'd rather not speak of.

   Driver's Ed doesn't prepare you for the heartache of never finding out if the fry you dropped between the seats was the best one in the box.

   Pretty sure the guy who drives the train at the children's park spends much of his day wondering what went wrong.

   At this very moment, somewhere in America, a black Prius is slowing someone down in the fast lane.

   Miss the 1980's, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before Mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

   August is National Catfish Month. Some of you should celebrate.

   Getting hyped for the weekend is soooo mainstream.

   I have nothing in common with people who wash, dry, fold and put their laundry away the same day.

   Always buy those nonprofit charity run tshirts from Goodwill so people will think I care about stuff.

   Wish the girls who rejected me in High School could see how many Pokemon I've caught.

   I don't appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I'm imperfect.

   How To Tell If Your Kid Is Doing Drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing?!?!

   If someone lets me out in front of them in traffic, as I merge in, I give them the finger just to see the look of pure confusion on their face.

   Porn is more American than apple pie! Mostly because apple pie is Dutch.