Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm finally opening my Christmas gifts. I have to hand it to my family, when you talk about recycling, they define the term. The boxes are old. I mean boxes with Christmas Seals on them from 1957 and held t

   Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack. It got really warm though so I put it back in the fridge..

   African dictators have been filling government positions with their family and friends for years. It's about time America caught up.

   Only serial killers pour milk before the cereal.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.

   I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. It was about the journey." -Buddhist GPS

   What if all those coins you keep finding on your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.

   I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it.

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

   Frankly auto correct... i'm getting really tired of your shirt

   You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg.