Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.

   If they can't afford an extra $500 a year or $41 a month they shouldn't be buying a house. I guess another bailout like in 2013 of the FHA is more preferable. Taxpayers dont want to buy you another house which you will most likely default on.

   Q: Why does a dog lick himself? A: Because he can? .... No, because he can't make a fist.

   There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.

   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my spleen on my pant leg. And my liver adds a certain flair to my belt.

   That moment you realize 200+ rioters will be getting slapped with a felony and lose their right to vote. LOL

   Mexican word of the day....HIDE!

   Im going to get some crayons and puppets and teach you snowflakes how to vote so yo dont have to cry again in 4 years

   Obama approval hits 60%,most of that approval is that he is finally GONE.

   Freedom of Speech has returned to America .... Apparently it is finally now legal once again to make fun of our President after 8 long years.

   I guess orange is officially the new black

   I'd be all for the Women's March protest if they added, "off a cliff" to the name of the event.

   I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.

   Too bad these communist Russians cannot hack their economy and make it great.

   Anyone caught Rioting on Inauguration Day should lose their Welfare Benefits. Oh, and their Obama Phones too.

   You know what I like about Politicians? ..... When they leave office. Heck, they're just like Diapers ... they need to be changed .... AND often!!!

   Presidents come and go, the pendulum swings back and forth ... America is 259 years old .... it has happened many times and we are still here ... so just Chill

   "Can I safely look at a picture of the sun on my phone? I know you not suppose to look at the sun, but how about a picture?" - My wife

   CONGRATS PRESIDENT OBAMA. You are truly a milestone. First president in our history to be at war for his WHOLE TERM. Great way to earn that Nobel Peace Prize.